Stagnated

Sunday evening...

It’s a big confusion in my mind. The fake lives around haunt me. The whole lot of  things I read to counter-attack this boredom, confuse me! I feel pressurized. One – of all the negative feelings dumped in me cz of the external factors. Two – of all the preparations I do and the thoughts I force myself to think, to counter-attack the former! Its Pressure – from both ends.

I just want to stay peaceful, healthy – mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. This is all I ask for. Are these thaat difficult to achieve?  I just want a reason that keeps me smiling every minute from within. Is this too – a challenge? I want to be strong, content and happy enough so that I can stop myself from measuring others’ worth against mine. Is that something I need to strive too hard for? I just want to celebrate little joys of life – with family, friends, near n dear ones. Is this too little, rather, too much that I’m asking for from life? I just want to pursue my dreams, without disturbing the lives of people around me. Have I committed a crime by wanting to do so? Isn’t this something any ‘life’ is meant to do – prove his existence? I just want that one Love to reciprocate to me. Isn’t that YOU have created that special someone for all the lives on earth, or by any chance, forgotten to consider me…? I’m just feeling stuck…i dunno what to do..i dunno what m i doing..I’m just waiting…

He couldn’t pray that evening. He had knelt down on a bench in the church – to pray. But all that came to his mind were thoughts of these kinds. He did not dare to look up at the altar – else he would break down. He silently wept…

He was lost in deep thoughts. Life seemed to come to a standstill. Career did not show signs of growth. He was over worked. Lethargy had taken over all the time of his weekends. His future plans had come to a halt. Finding a girlfriend was out of question. Duties started to feel like a burden. He was stuck in the vicious circle, in the tug-of-war between dreams and commitments. He had shut down from his social world. The world seemed to have just no meaning. He'd started to lose confidence in himself. He just kept on waiting, and he dint know...for what.

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Just when he was thinking about things that were absolutely not happening in life, someone patted on his back. Startled! He turned to find out it was Vinay – the 15 year old lad, all set to give his Board exams.

“Prayer karne aaye ho?”

With a little false smile – ‘haan, beta’

‘arrey! Tumhe kya prayer ?’

He raised his eye brows in surprise with a light smirk, thinking of what to reply and before he could, the boy continued -

‘yaad hai prelims k time bola tha – Life will throw bigger challenges at you, only to make you stronger. Board exams kya cheez hai’ and a bright smile shone on his face. He continued – ‘dialogue kaam aya, boss. Mera saara tension door’.

This got him feeling amazed! He nodded, and then just when he was about to say something, the kid disappeared.

“Life will throw bigger challenges at you” – he recollected.  ‘Probably, this is one of those – feeling stuck at every area of life’ – he shrugged.

     He sat still on the bench, plainly looking at the altar, NOW with a little smile on himself. My words had really worked – and his smile grew little wider. Not bad - he thought.

After a few minutes, he heard some footsteps beside him, as if someone was approaching him. He turned aside and almost jumped out of joy.

‘MA’AM!!!!’ – he whispered at the loudest of his voice

‘SShhh! Quiet you kiddo’ – she replied with a big warm smile. It was his icon, one of the trainers from his very first company, who had delivered brilliant modules on Soft skills. After switching couple of companies, he had lost her contact. He did made several attempts later, to get to her. He tried hard, in fact. However, as his phase of quarter-life-crisis started taking reins of his mind – he eventually had forgotten about her. Now, after a long gap, he found her …

“So, I had told you not to give up your hobbies and do spend time for it. You used to played excellent guitar. Hows it going?” - she asked.

A sense of pang rushed through his nerves. He was thankful – at least he remembered what a guitar was, even if he had not played it since long!

She sensed the pain in him. ‘But you guys need not worry. It’s a mandate phase.  I have gone through it myself too. At that stage, you shouldn’t be giving up pursuing things that give you peace - your hobbies; dreams that are independent of all external factors. Remember to count your blessings daily, my boy’ – and went away with the same warm big smile.

Just after the lady went, he saw a man resembling his late grandpa approach him - 'Always remember this. When you feel stuck in life, walk along with time. Time never stops, though circumstances do!' These were the same words his grandpa had said to him, in his childhood!

And then one by one, all good things that had happened, all the good people he had come across, started passing by him - reminding him of all the wonderful things he had experienced in life!

Whats is going on by the way - he thought.  is this some sort of evaluation of my 'good deeds' versus 'bad deeds'? ...Gosh!  M I dead?!! I haven't lived  yet!!

He was just about to rush to his room, when he saw a boquet of flowers with a smiley card on it – ‘the one I gave it to my Princess Charming on her birthday’! [Princess Charming was a 7 year old little girl, the youngest in a nearby School and Home for the homeless. He used to visit often; but hadn’t visited since a while].

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The very thought of Princess Charming, woke him up from the deep slumber he had gone into, for a couple of minutes, while weeping.These few minutes, looked felt like ages! The stagnant feeling seemed like just a small passing cloud, in the midst of all the good things he had seen in life!

He looked at the idol – inside the altar - with gratitude! Something spoke to him – ‘When you feel stagnated in life, count all your blessings and move on. Life’s just giving you time to prepare for the next big positive thing. Chase yourself, boy!’ – this was perhaps his own voice, perhaps, the collective voice of the people he'd just dreamt of, or perhaps, the idol's!

Everything seemed to fall in place – the tears, the people, the memories of the conversations he had with them, the good things that he’d done – and also -  the voice that spoke to him!

He immediately took his bike and drove to the Ice cream shop.

‘Boss, tu yahan?’, Vinay - his classmate from school - whom he had dreamt of as a 10std kid just a while ago.

‘bachchon se milkar bahut time ho gaya, beta’

‘ohh k k..theek hai theek hai..Princess  Charming ko batana Vinay bhaiyya ne yaad kiya, phir kabhi aaunga..aaj ek call hai yaar,  firangi k saath – ghar se lena hai. Chal phir milte hain’. He waved his hand as Vinay drove towards his house. 

same old, same old – he thought.

‘Life will throw bigger challenges. Toh phir yeh kaunsi bala hai’ – Vinay shouted as if he'd read his mind.

‘saale tu bhoola nahi is dialog ko’ . Vinay had already gone...

With boxes full of ice creams, cookies and all the goodies – he rushed to the School which he had not visited for a long time. The kids remembered him. Princess Charming had grown up a little. There were tears in their eyes – of joy, this time! The kids greeted him with warmth that he had missed since a while, he reciprocated too. After a lot of merry-making, screaming and shouting, it was time for bhaiyya to play some music.

He took out his guitar and played all the numbers that were famous among his gang of kids. The kids demanded to play some New tracks that had become hits during this gap phase. He couldn’t play those – for reasons obvious! He promised to learn them though, and play the next time he visited.

Soon, the evening grew little dark and it was time for kids to get back to study. He was not wanting to go back, neither the kids. But, the inevitable had to happen.

After making promise of visiting the kids regularly and giving them good-bye kisses, he rode his way back home. Shiva’s Rhythm and Dance School - he halted, to check out for the Guitar sessions. Enrolled himself for a weekend batch, with no second thought - only for the kids - a sense of joy sprang from inside.

He had already started to feel better, a feel of getting hold of his life back. After dinner, he just flipped through the pages of a book he had started few weeks ago, and came across the lines that read –

 its not the question of how happy and content the world makes you feel  - what really matters is – how happy and content do YOU make the world feel!

Ah! He had found answers to almost all of the questions that he’d asked. He no more cared to think of the life that seemed stuck. Fretting over things that did not work out, did not make sense any more. Things dont get easier by just worrying about them - he thought. All he cared about was - the life that was in his hands, in his control. There was no looking back now.

He immediately logged into his Social networking Site account and sent across a public message to his friends, asking for his Trainer's contact. This time, he was determined to meet her!

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Monday morning….

It was the same old desk. The same old people. The same old job and the same old targets. The only thing that was missing was - Worry - and this was replaced by - Hope! Remember – when you are feeling stuck, its just that life’s giving you time to prepare for the next big thing coming your way - it was the same voice.

He smiled, and continued with the task at hand…

Cheers,

Swatz