Sunday, October 31, 2010

Fed up of pretending like a grown-up!

     What (psychologically) makes you feel grown-up? Your age (definitely NOT)? Your achievements? Or when you just admire a bunch of kids playing around, from a distance, without being a part of them? Or when you start taking up responsibilities? What kind of responsibilities makes you feel grown-up then? Then what if, you had taken the REAL responsibilities of life at a very young age(at your teenage), and still manage to protect the moron in you and let it out (as sort of a  balancing act)..and let the moron in you play to such an extent, that people don't even imagine you as being Sensible! BLAH! 

     Your once-upon-a-time talkative, chirpy being takes a forced break; and turns into a silent, an over-thoughtful soul. You choose Not to laugh at a stupid guy's PJs (which confirms he/she is a fool) and silently smirk at the really funny things going on around. You are a part of a bunch of Sophisticated people whose sophistication gets you so-PISS-ticated! The cubicles and the lifeless bums parked inside them look funny from a distance; and the fact that you too are a part of the lot makes it even funnier. You laugh at your own life. And if this kind of boring life is called 'growing up', then puh-lees..GIMME a Break!! I would love to live my life as a kid, until the end!

    There were times, when exactly '3 idiots' took care of every small thing of mine. Each thought of mine was taken care of, every little mistake was rectified, every kiddish-naughty act was laughed away! They took care of my choices. All of my weaker points were balanced out by them. There was this shameless flirt in me - always hyper enthu, hyper active (which is sleeping currently)!. The story Now is totally different altogether. Ishan Awasthi (TZP) was right - 'jo dikhta hai woh hota nahi, jo hota hai woh dikhta nahi'.Being treated like a kid, always felt good, felt like you were protected from all of the insecurities that lay in the outside world. Being treated like a totally independent adult feels sick (when you know tat u still need a company to march forward, and that you are not as independent yet, as you are assumed to be!)

      A sudden transition from being called 'bachchi, putta, mari' to 'akka, madam' is equally confusing (i know! the stmt looks funny. But it aint as funny as it sounds. bhavnaaon ko samjho)!! Are you still a kid? or a grown up already? The sudden state of calmness, sensiblity (which comes from nowhere [however you read it]). On one side, you are pampered the way you like to be pampered; by your near and dear ones. On the other side you are a part of (though not involved in) immature, rubbish politics around you (which proves that you are not the only moron existing on earth!). You are a completely different being 9/5! And the next 24/2 you come back to your true being. And the cycle continues...

     Confusion gets even deeper, when you have really lost interest in whatever would look exciting for an early 20s. INo hang outs. Dont want to get committed to anybody. Free from having crushes .No flirting around anymore (gone saturated, not interested in all of these - atleast for a while now!). Family - takes the topmost priority in my life now. My dreams - the next (there's a list of things i that I wanna achieve, insha allah, i achieve all of them:)). There was this horrible week in the month of October that I went through! Nevertheless, that one particular week ended up making me a little more stronger and calmer person. Things have turned so much head over heels. There is this bunch of people, who would never even imagine me as being 'silent, calm and composed' (cz they ve always seen a hyper-active and a super-excited swa around them); and there s the other bunch of people who wouldnot believe that I would be as naughty as I explain them about myself (m literally a boring, alive corpse in front of them - I chose to be tat way!)! Toggling between extremes, is never too easy! I still feel like dancing, jumping around, singing out loud (all of these I dont even EXPRESS any more!just let these feelings let be inside me). Even when i think of venting out all of my frustrations somewhere; some unknown calmer force takes over my state of mind - slashes all of these mixed feelings and gives me a feeling of assurance - that 'things are goin on fine - the way they have to be'!

    Matter-of-fact, its been almost 6 months,since I made any 'new friends' as such (just adding people on fb doesnt mean that you have earned real friends!). Yes, acquaintances and colleagues have happened - quite a lot! Partly, I am to blame for that as well. I never approached people I would like to, neither did I encourage people who came to me - to take the next step(of making freindship!)!. I didnot feel so, coz my conscience didnot let me do that (else, its never difficult for a Saggi to socialize). Off late, I have just gotten too evaluative of people. I havent had a hearty laugh (except for once), in my new aapice!  There's this one team which I call 'hosanna' gang, with whom I enjoy the silent communication (each one is a nut like me!) (but still wondering if I should go ahead and talk to them! I would burst out laughin the moment i talk to them; which i clearly donot want to - for some reason which i wouldnot want to write here B-) )

     Well..the whole idea of writing this post was basically - NOTHING! Just that I have been handling a huge number of mood swings all around me (ironically from people who are elder than me! a few whom i looked forward to learning new things), since a couple of months. Are grown ups naturally like that??gloomy? Or is it ma fate, that i have come across only such kinda ppl off-late?? Things have been happening totally opposite of what i expected them to be! And that has made me look at things with a neutral point of view. In the process, I think I have become a super-sensible person(yeah..exaggeration cz m totally opposite of what this term could possibly mean!). But then,m just fed up of behaving like a grown-up. Yet, things force me to be so! I dunno if this phase is really making me grow up. I can feel the struggle, yet i cannot do anything about it; but to face it! I dont loaf around, I dont utter nonsense, I dont blabber, I refrain myself from cracking out spontaneous remarks (all of these which were my traits once-upon-a-time) [off late, i do all of these only with my very close friends, not any new people that i met in past few months! On the flipside, I ve stopped these things with a few other friends as well!] . dunno if m just getting lazier day by day, or are these signs of really growing up! There have been a handful of people, who have kept the same-old real swathi still alive in me:) and i thank them. KE5, jenny and a few others. tonnes of  mmua mmua to them:-*

And a mix of following songs perfectly make the current theme of my life -

1) taare zameen par - title track
2) One love - blue
3) I m with  you  - Avril Lavinge
4) So no one's told you , life s gonna be this wayyyyyyyy..............

and to cheer myself up from this chaos -- I enjoy the following songs:

1) Vishnu Sahasranam, Bhagvad geetha, Bhaja govindam, hanuman chalisa
2) Enthiran songs
3) Kabhi kabhi aditi, hai junoon, ashayen, wake up sid
4) a list of Tamil songs (new as well as old Mgr ka songs)
5) the list of 247 songs loaded into my brand new mobile - (my only 'friend' in my 9/5 hourse B-))

  This one's for you, folks - back to statement 1- "what really makes you feel that you are a grown up??"...

AARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH X-(..need an answer:(:(

anyways, Cheers to this mixed emotions!    ...

P.S. - This post would look confusing, but ppl who know every color of mine, would understand what m i trying to say:)